Blog Post Two: I Will NOT Volunteer to Die

Welp, there goes my thing about making a post a week…opps. However I think the excuse is valid in that the world is seeming to tear itself apart. I mean i’m not going to lie, for this upcoming 2020 election I was voting for the meteor to come and kill us all, I laugh a very nervous laugh at the fact that it looking more and more probable that it could happen. So moral of the story be careful what you wish for. 

But that’s not the story I want to tell. I have released a few videos recently on my social media pages on my thoughts during this COVID-19 era. Honestly that was all I could do in the moment. My thoughts are all over the place and talking them out seemed to help a little. Like any media platform, it can be very therapeutic to discuss your concerns out loud. One of the topics I discussed in one of my videos was my interview with CNN. I was contacted by a reporter via Instagram. She had seen one of my videos and really wanted to get my perspective on social distancing. She was unable to find a male for the piece and I was happy to give my input. I’ll link to the full article down below, give it a read, she is a far better writer than I am. Anyway when I looked into the journalist, I figured the story would appear on some sub page of CNN. Welp that was not the case. I started getting contacted from people I hadn’t heard from in 5+ years. “I saw you on CNN.” What? I went to CNN’s main home page and about half way down the home page there you saw my face along with three other amazing people fighting the COVID-19 era with a compromised immune system. All of these amazing people who told their stories are new heroes of mine. But even with the article coming out and being shared, I quickly started feeling uneasy again. 

My story is pretty unique (all of the stories in the article are unique which is why you should check it out). While many are social distancing with their family or loved ones, I had to even social distance from my own wife. Both my wife and I are Clinical Mental Health counselors. I work in private practice and am able to see my clients via Telehealth. My wife on the other hand, works at an inpatient drug and alcohol recovery center. Many of the people coming in are from the jail systems, homeless, or low social economic status. Essentially, it is only a matter of time before there will be an outbreak at their facility. My wife and I made the most difficult decision of our marriage so far, we decided to live apart to protect me. Emily moved back in with her parents while I stay at home isolated from the outside world. While yes I get to utilize technology to speak/see my wife, that is not enough. I love hugs and physical touch (when they come from my friends and family…so if you see me on the street I wouldn’t come up and hug me. Especially with no immune system, I’m more likely now to claw your face off like a real bear instead of being the teddybear many people have labeled me over the years. ) and especially from my wife. I look forward everyday to hugging her, kissing her, and cuddling with her at night (I never said I wasn’t a teddybear again its only to certain people). And suddenly, I wasn’t able to do that anymore. My wife and I have battled through hell the past few years and it finally seemed we would get to start living our “new normal” life post transplant…..”HAHA Just kidding” says God/Lucifer/Buddha/Allah/Gaia/insert other higher power. What makes this all worse is there is no end date. If someone told me i’d have to self isolate from my wife for a month, two month, hell even six months I’d be fine because I would have an end date. Not knowing it what makes this so much worse. Even more so, it makes it worse because I have to put my trust in the people’s who’s common sense might be lacking. 

From what is being told on the news, it's likely most if not all of us will get the virus. What we are doing with now it trying to slow the spread of the virus so when people inevitably get sick, they can go to the hospital. In order for this to work we need to isolate. Not do what the idiots in Florida did and go to spring break. All of them not caring if they get COVID-19, only thinking for themselves. Then you have the people minimizing it saying “It only affects the old people. They are the ones that are dying.” Okay first, I’m glad you all care so much for the elderly. Unfortunately this makes sense for our culture since we give two shits for our elderly. Seriously educate yourself on how other cultures treat the elderly, we suck. Second yes this affects the elderly, but it also affects people like me and the other four individuals in that article. It affects the hundreds of thousands others with compromised immune systems. But since our president minimizes it, it's okay for everyone else too. Which brings me to the title of this post. 

If you haven’t heard there have been a few people making a new campaign and that is “dying for your country so our economy can live.” What's worse it the campaign is gaining traction. I will rarely ever point at people but what can I say, I’m human and I’m angry. The two stars i’d like to point out (and trust me there are many) are Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick and Glenn Beck (Radio Talk show host). While I will not quote them directly, you can easily look up their comments on any platform, but essentially they want the elderly to sacrifice themselves to die to save the countries economy and our way of life. And in saying that, they are also dooming individuals with other health conditions (like me) to die. Guess what, even if that was a thing, it does not work that way. You can’t walk to the front of the line and say “excuse me I’d like to get COVID and die.” Plus if you really think about it and we take the presidents and these other two special gentlemen's opinions to open up the nation and let the virus run its course (killing the elderly and those with underlying conditions), what’s actually going to happen? Well here’s my theory, all of us (elderly and immune compromised) in the hospital with COVID, the others with preventable issues come in and can’t be seen resulting in them also dying. Just because COVID-19 is happening does not mean strokes and heart attacks stop happening. Guess what? All of that death, the economy still will tank. But what do I know. Thankfully others like John Oliver also see that math and are really trying to talk about it.  

I just can’t believe we’re here. Places are turning Ice rinks and refrigerated trucks into makeshift morgues but whatever is best for the country right? I’m thankful that I am living in a state (Ohio) where the governor is actually doing something. I didn’t vote for the guy, in fact I disagree with nearly all if his viewpoint but I’m routing for him because I feel he actually cares right now. Can’t say the same for the commander in chief but again what do I know. Apparently Trump is the greatest president to have ever served. I have a hard time seeing that but what do I know, I am just the overweight expendable human that needs to step up and die for this country that I apparently love so dear. No sirs and ma'am’s I don't. I want to grow old with the woman I love. I want to have kids a see them grow. I want to cherish this new life I received from my wife, not offer it away months after Ive recovered from surgery.

I often say you don’t need to apologize for your feelings and that is absolutely true so I am not going to apologize for mine. I’m angry, sad, depressed, anxious, and scared out of my mind but that’s okay. I want to hold my wife again but I can’t. I want to hug my friends again but I can't . I want my sister to be happy and reunited with her husband in NYC but that’s not going to happen right now. I had a conversation with my wife earlier this evening. We both feel like we are going through the stages of grief. It's a similar feeling to if you’ve ever been dumped. One day we were together the next we’re not with really no good explanation. This makes a lot of sense that a lot of us are going through similar emotions. We are grieving the life we used to have and sometimes, even grieving the new life we just received. I get that people are worried about money and jobs. I am too but, I’d rather be alive to worry about it instead of dead.

To all the caner patients out there, to my fellow kidney warriors, diabetics, obese individuals, smokers, RA patients, elderly, and every other immunocompromised individual out there, you do not have to die. We have been in this fight and we cannot stop now. Speaking up, educating friends and family on your disorder, calling state reps whatever needs to be done. I refuse to be in a text book 5-10 years from now that says “Only 3% of the population died form the virus.” We are in this together, come hell or high water, we are not a lone. Thank you again for your support in reading my babel. I hope you all stay safe and make it through the other side.

Here is the link to the CNN article, feel free to check it out! https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/19/health/immunosuppressed-coronavirus-wellness-trnd/index.html