Blog Post Five: Mother Son Dance

Grief never gets easier. In fact, I feel it gets more difficult as time goes on. For the first year or so, you still live in a state of denial. The one year mark is difficult since it is at that point, you realize that a full year has gone by without your loved one. Then you start to realize all the “big” events, now turn into difficult trials. 

As many of you know, my mother died 5 years ago to the day. Tuesday May 12, 2015 I had to say goodbye to the woman who raised be and brought me into this world. She died 5 days before her 60th birthday. I remember so many details of those days. I remember I was sitting in my office at Quaker Square helping manage our checkout process for the end of the year. I even remember what I was eating when I got the call that she was unresponsive and heading to hospice. Sweet Tai chili boneless chicken wings with fries from TrackSide Grille, in case you were wondering. I remember my last conversation with her. She was delusional and thought we were back at Kettering hospital in Ohio (we were in PA) and that I was the reason she was there. I remember the moment she died. I was sitting next to her holding her wrist, feeling her pulse. I felt it as it became weaker and weaker. Her hand became cooler and then her last breath. Time just stopped. I remember not wanting to leave her and waiting in the room with her body until the funeral home came and took her away. That process felt like it took forever. I remember we all even tried to crack jokes since at that point non of us knew what to do. We laughed about the stories that bodies would release gas after death and how that would be so mom if that were to happen. I remember the nights of tears and how each morning I’d wake up and think it was a dream. And good grief I remember the headaches, the endless headaches from crying so much, much like the one I am having right now trying to write this. I can go on and on about these particular memories but that is not what I actually want to talk about. 

Like I mentioned in the opening paragraph, all “big” events are shrouded with a sense of sadness. Holidays, birthdays, my graduation with my masters, meeting Emily, getting engaged, being diagnosed with Kidney disease then kidney failure, starting dialysis, getting my transplant, every sickness where all I wanted was my mother to tell me it was going to be okay, my wedding day. And that was one of the worst so far. I knew how important that day would be to her. Up until Emily, I really only believed my mother was the only one that thought I was handsome. The few times I had girlfriends, mom would get so excited about the possibility of a wedding for me. I remember when I had been dating my ex for like a month and she was already looking at wedding magazines. My mother never got to meet Emily. But I like to think it was because she sent Emily to me. It’s a little weird that I meet Emily 3 months after my mother died. Literally had no want or need to have a girlfriend at that time but there she was. As Emily and I dated longer and longer, I felt this growing pain in my stomach. I knew I was going to propose to Emily, hell I even knew Emily would say yes, but I knew my mother would not be there.

I know I do this a lot with my posts and I am going to do it again. I’m going on a tangent. Some of you know the story of me proposing to Emily but for those who don’t, here is the semi edited version. My mother and step father lived in Manchester New Hampshire for a number of years. These were the final years before my mother started to get sick and she was at her happiest. She loved being near the ocean, close to her sister, and just the feel of the New England towns.  One of her favorite restaurants was on Hampton beach called Ron’s Landing. To this day it is some of the best sea food I’ve ever had. Anyway, this was a place we frequented many times while living there. The restaurant sat right on the beach and if you got a table on the second floor, you had the most amazing view of the ocean. We’d always go for a walk on the beach either before of after dinner, and on the beach, there was this large row of large rocks that you could climb on that go to the ocean. This was my favorite spot. I’d go here often and just sit on these rocks with the sound and the smell of the ocean just bringing me to peace. Well when it came time to pop the question, that was the only place I wanted to do it. I’ve always felt that my moms spirit was there and not in a grave in PA. This was my way of having her be a part of the moment. So we planned a vacation touring the east coast and my old undergrad stomping ground. After a few stops, we drove to Hampton beach where in the restaurant, I planted her parents, brother, my stepfather, sister and brother in law. From the second floor of the restaurant, they were able to see me propose to Emily. I like to believe my mother was on that beach with me. To top it off, I was wearing the same outfit as the last time I spoke to her in the hospice room, it was her favorite outfit of mine at the time. This outfit was also the favorite of someone else, Emily. 

Fast forward years to the wedding. A day that should have been the happiest day of my life was also one of the saddest days of my life. I just knew how happy she would have been if she had been there and yes she would have cried the entire time but for those who knew her that was nothing new. We did our best to honor her and remember her thought the ceremony. We had a sign in the front row of the church that said “reserved for the mother of the groom.” In retrospect, not the best idea since that sign was right in front of me during the ceremony. Insert tears here. We also had a memorial tree at the reception hall that had some pictures of her as well as others family members that had died. Then I had a little metal heart pin on the inside of my suite coat that said mother of the groom. Throughout the entire day, I would just randomly start crying, sometimes completely unprovoked. It hurt worse than any of my dialysis treatments. I’d been asking myself if I thought my mother would have like Emily. The truth is she would have ADORED Emily, like I’m sure she would have loved Emily more than me. Like they totally would have been the two that would randomly meet for lunch or dinner without me. But the fact I never got to hear those words from her just sucks. The part of the wedding I was dreading the most was the Mother Son dance. Now again a smart person would have just taken that part out, but apparently I am stubborn and wanted to do it. Instead of dancing with my mom, I’d dance with my sister. Cause lets be real, even though I consider her my best friend, next to my mom she was the biggest mother figure. So it was decided, I would dance with Brittany, which brings me to the main story I’d like to share. Told you, I am filled with tangents but its all relevant….at least I think it is. 

Once it was decided that I would dance with Brittany, now it came time to deciding the song. What to chose? I could choose a funny song like Emily chose for her father daughter dance. I could chose a sentimental song that really reminded us of mom but that would for sure just open the flood gates and we’d flood the place with our tears. There were many songs that came to mind if I wanted to go the sentimental route. Side tangent number 16. Two weeks before my mother died, she visited my sister in NYC. While they were there, they went to go see the broadway show Finding Neverland. Spoiler alert for that movie and broadway show, it is the telling of how JR Berry came up with the tale of Peter Pan. He befriends a mother and her three boys but the kicker of the show/movie is the mother is ill and eventually dies. My sister tells me stories of going to see this with my mom and how much she loved it and cried. What made this worse was at that time, my mother already knew she was dying but we didn’t discover that until after. Not long after my mother died I went to NYC to also see the show. I remember the scene where that mother died, which was beautifully done by the way, and that I grabbed my sisters hand so tight as we both sobbed in the theatre. There is a song in that musical called “All that Matters” which is sung BEAUTIFULLY by Laura Michelle Kelly. In this song, the mother knows she is going to die and sings this beautiful song about how her children and Mr. Berry help give her the strength to go on.  I would highly suggest you stop reading this for a second and go on YouTube and listen to it. It is a very emotionally powerful song. Naturally that was the first song I thought of but I knew that it would for sure cause Brittany and I to snot our way through the dance so that one was out. Then I thought about “Where the lost things go” from the new Mary Poppins movie. Again another song about the mother dying and she’s there if you close your eyes etc. To which my sister said “Seriously what’s wrong with you, are you trying to make me cry uncontrollably.” However deep down I knew I wanted something from Finding Neverland since we all had such a connection through that show. So I came up with a compromise. For some reason, when a new musical hits broadway, they often release a cover album of the the songs from the musical before they release the original broadway cast recording. On the cover album, Christina Perri does a cover of “All That Matters.” It was different from the broadway version. It didn’t have any of the parts about singing about her children but it was still sentimental enough that I could feel that connection but it shouldn’t unleash the flood gate of tears. Again, I’d highly suggest you listen to the song. Cool, song was chosen. Emily sent the song to the DJ, he played it for her to verify it was the right version, we told him to just introduce us as the Brother sister dance, cool everything was set. Why I didn’t decide to go funny, I’m honestly not sure. We played around with doing the “Routine” from Friends but I didn’t. I think deep down I needed a moment where I felt my mother. Now back to the wedding. 

The moment had almost come. Emily and her father were doing their dance and we were next. I kept trying to go up to the DJ to tell him to skip us but I didn’t. I hesitated to long and the Father daughter dance was done. My sister was standing next to me and it was time to face the moment that I had been dreading from the moment I met Emily. The DJ hopped on the mic, “Now I would like to introduce the Mother Son dance.” Brittany and I looked at each other and she said “Brother sister dance, not mother son dance.” We both kind of chuckled and headed out to the dance floor. The DJ then continued “Where Andrew’s sister Brittany will fill in for his mother.” Fuck. Brittany and I walked out and got into our positions. The song started and we began to dance. A few moments in, I realized I was hearing Laura Michelle Kelly singing……the DJ had played the original broadway version. My eyes widened, “This isn’t the right song” I said to my sister. She shook her head and I could see tears forming in her eyes and I could feel my eyes start to well up. “I SWEAR I DIDN’T DO THIS! I am so sorry, Oh my God I didn’t do this.” Whenever I am fighting back emotions I very much turn into Chandler Bing, I do everything to fight the emotions. I started trying to make my sister smile, to laugh anything because I knew, if the flood gates opened, I would also start. I cannot even tell you what I said, it was all gibberish but it was all for nothing. Brittany had already started crying, and then the bottom lip started going…”welp here come the water works.” I felt this overwhelming wave of emotions take me over. I felt Brittany lean fully on me and I lost it. Tears began flowing and I couldn’t stop it, hell I even had a hard time breathing. These pictures don’t even do it justice, we were full blown ugly crying, like snot falling down our faces kind of crying. However in that moment, I didn’t really care. In fact, I felt more at peace than I can remember feeling for a long time. Even though my typical crying headache was coming back with a vengeance, I felt relaxed as Brittany and I collapsed into each other. I just closed my eyes and held my sister close. For a second it really felt like it was just us, listening to this song, and just surrounded by love. 

Now to this day I really don’t know what happened. Emily confirmed that he had the right version because he played it for her prior to the wedding. I’m always skeptical with stories about visitations from beyond the grave, but I never flat out shoot them down because we just don’t know. Maybe, just maybe she was there and wanted her song to play. Maybe it was her way of telling us how much she misses and loves us. Maybe that peace I felt was her wrapping her arms around us. Maybe that was her telling me how much she loved Emily. Maybe that was her telling me how proud she was of me…….Maybe I did get my mother son dance after all.

Miss you mom

Click on the pictures to visit the photographers websites! The last picture was taken by a family member.